Busy with NANOWriMo

It’s National Novel Writing Month and I”m busy hacking away, so I’m going to be slack in posting for a while. I leave you with these stupid observations.

Despite doing it every day, “login” is not a word. No, “logon” isn’t either.
Use it anyway. Websters will catch up.
If you say words often enough, they become real. “Fazdanbardibang!”

If you lined up all the people that hate your guts back-to-back and stretched them out between the earth and the moon, they would all die.
Way too expensive to test.

Out of all the remotes in your living room, the one you can’t find is the one that makes everyone else shut up so you can hear the show you’re trying to watch.
Remotes can’t control people, but people can control people.
I need a robot that screams “SHUT UP!”

If you leave a banana in your office for two weeks, your office will start to smell like bananas.
Bananas smell better than stale farts.
Stale farts smell better than rotten bananas.

Socks grow in couches.
Seed the couch, wait for two weeks, then count the socks.
The number of socks appears to correlate with the number of children in the household.
Couch faeries exist!

Contrary to my wife’s opinion, not every wine with a kangaroo on the label tastes good.
Apparently some taste like kangaroo.
Incomplete. Have been unable to obtain a kangaroo.

Junk food doesn’t make people fat.
Eating it appears to be the problem.
Any junk food can be made healthy by not eating it.

Everyone’s weird, it’s just a matter of how much.
Individuals don’t get to decide how weird they are. Everyone else does.
No one barters these opinions. An opinion exchange system could change everything, perhaps using vouchers.

Washing machines can move by themselves.
They’re trying to get closer to the couch where the socks are.
They’re stopped by jealous dryers.

The studs behind sheet rock are tactically placed so that they’ll never be where you need them when you hang something.
Architects get secret kickbacks from sheet rock screw companies.
Paste posters to the walls to avoid being screwed.

Caged birds don’t sing because they want out.
Birds are stupid.
Cages make birds stupid.
Congress is in a cage.

Most dogs could climb trees if they wanted to, but they’re not aware of this.
Squirrels try to educate them out of pity.
Tree climbing dogs would not be bothered by altruistic squirrels.
Incomplete. Unable to locate tree-climbing canine.

All dogs have the default name of “here boy,” or “here girl.” While all cats have the default name of “kitty kitty.”
Cats have no gender bias.
Untrue. 50% of dogs will still come to “Hey stupid” regardless of gender.

When toilets flush, they spray the area with microbes from everyone else’s shit. A lot of people keep their tooth brushes nearby, and yet toothpaste manufacturers still don’t produce shit-flavored toothpaste.
People won’t buy anything with “Shit” on the label.
Untrue. Many people seem to buy my shit, and probably buy shit from others too. Although it does appear they’re more willing to take shit than to buy it. And despite it’s value, people still appear willing to give others shit for free.

The concept of “binders of women” appears to have entered the main-stream lexicon.
Apparently politicians haven’t adopted newer digital technology and still use binders.
Thumb-drives of women may have a negative alternative interpretations, but would still increase storage capacity and efficiency.
The proliferation of internet pornography decreases the efficiency of the government.

Dogs eat bread.
Dogs are carnivores.
Bread is meat.

When women get angry, they say the worst possible things they can come up with, particularly if they’re true.
Men don’t appear to do this nearly as well, and don’t spend effort remembering things they can use in an all-out verbal war.
Whatever it is, it’s my fault because I lost the argument.
I’m married.

10 Responses

  1. Hmm, WriterDood, I’m surprised you even dared to mention the last Observation/Theory/Analysis ….sheez, that is just asking for it. Women have an unlimited arsenal of insults and are not afraid to use it..

    • My wife seems to keep a running list. I must be a poor planner, because I can’t seem to come up with anything. Even, “yeah, well I pick up the dog poop and mow the lawn,” doesn’t work anymore. I’ve got the kids picking up the poop, and the lawn doesn’t need to be mowed this time of year. Never mind all the “fixing of stuff,” I do around the house. That doesn’t count because it’s intermittent.

      Tonight, though, I’m driving the kids to soccer practice, so at least that’s something, right?

  2. I love the format, writerdood. I think you really have something here. btw I agree with frigginloon, “that’s just asking for it”. What were you thinkin’?

    • I’m not sure if what I was thinking can be articulated using language. It’s probably closer to a long humming sound followed by a desire to inventory the refrigerator.

  3. Fazdanbardibang. Fazdanbardibang. Fazdanbardibang. Now I’ll go check the dictionary…

    Socks grow in couches … but never in pairs. Washers eat socks. But never in pairs. Is this the fault of socks, couches, or washers?

    Dogs eat anything. Dogs are omnivores. Everything is meat.

    • You’ll have to say it every day, and preferably near the people who edit dictionaries.

      I’m not sure why only one sock survives out of the pair, but I think it’s probably some form of sexual dimorphism.

      The argument about dogs being omnivores has never been adequately concluded. Many carnivorous animals are capable of eating carbohydrates. Still, I do like the theory that everything is meat. This would, however, be a great blow to vegetarians.

  4. WOW, great post, so many comments could be made here…where does one start? I’ll stick with the Kangaroo wine… haven’t tried a wine with a Kangaroo on the label but you know I’m on a mission to now!

    • It’s not bad!

  5. Kangaroo tastes best when marinated in wine.

    • I’d try that. At least once. Maybe twice. But should Kangaroo meat be rare like mutton, or thoroughly cooked like pork?

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