Alternative Olympic Events

Some of the following events are sure to be added in the near future.

Superman - five time gold medal winner in the Burbon Shot Glass competition.

Downhill Paintball Skiing

Seeing who can go downhill the fastest? Big deal. Seeing who can go downhill the fastest and get the most shots? Now we’re talking! Line them up and let them ski. Time and hits are both a factor in this splatter spree from the top to the bottom.

Grizzly Tag

So you ran a race. How do we know you really tried out there? Sure, you ran from one end of the field to the other, and you SAY that you did it as fast as you could, but we don’t really know if that was your BEST effort. How can we know for sure? Well, now we can, because nothing says “true speed” like having an angry grizzly bear chasing you. In this event, you’ll be required to shock a grizzly bear five times with a cattle prod before the cage automatically opens. You’ll get a four second headstart. You’ll also be given one steak as a distraction. If the grizzly gets too close, just drop the steak and keep running. Be warned, though, it’s only a small t-bone, and may just wet his appetite for more.

Vodka Biathlon

Don't tell her where the safety is Jake!

Someone bring up the Liberal target paper thingy... HIC! Hey... why don't this fire?

Being able to ski and fire a rifle may be impressive to some people, but a lot of us just say, “so what, let’s see you do that wasted!” In the Vodka Biathlon, you’ve got to slam back two vodka martinis (shaken, not stirred) right before you fire. This ought to separate the warriors from the athletes! Additionally, you must mix the drink yourself, and you have to carry the fixins with you. If you lose your martini glass or your mixer, you are automatically disqualified. If you lose your olives, on the other hand, you are only penalized.

Political Spinning

Everyone seems to be doing it these days, so it might as well be an event. Each contestant will be presented with a randomly selected news event created by writers who have been sequestered for the last three months and fed exclusively on sardines and crackers. The judges will be randomly selected from WordPress bloggers.

Naked Curling

This is real. People actually DO this. Why shouldn’t it be a sport? I’ll tell you why – it has some ugly old dudes in it. I think appearances should be a part of the score, which will guarantee that we don’t have to watch grandpa’s ass out on the ice. This could be a very popular sport, if promoted successfully. McDonalds, for example, can give away glasses with pictures of the best naked curlers on them. I think a lot of people will want them (as collectables they can put on display at home). The curlers should also adopt stage names. Men would select names like Shag, Star and Mr. Bigg. Women would pick names like Tush, Star and Mrs. Lipps.

Combat Figuring Skating

Figure skating has really turned weird lately. Look at all the strange outfits. Why don’t we bring figure skating back to its roots – mortal combat. Yes, back in the old days when the Vikings used to battle each other with battle axes while skating over the frozen rivers, there were no sequins or g-strings or flowing pink scarves, there was only blood, and fury and the glory of combat. That’s what figure skating needs to return to. Unfortunately, the League of Olympic Decision Making Dudes frowns on blood sport, therefore we’ll have to alter the rules to make it less violent without reducing the manliness of it. Maybe they should whip each other in the butt with wet gym towels?

Flaming Barrier Luge

"I'll be back." - "Only in a rerun."

What’s better than a downhill luge race? How about having to pass through a small opening in a flaming barricade? Sure, you’ll bust through if you miss (we’ll add steel ramming bumpers and a shield to ensure they make it okay). But you’ll lose points if you don’t get through the hole.

Cross Country Logging

Where the hell are we?

Five trees need to be cut down. They’re out there in the snowy forest. You’ve got an axe, cross-country skies, and a GPS. Tree locations were selected randomly. The first person back is the winner. GO!

Women’s Chainsaw Relay
Chainsaw Rela
Passing a peg of wood is so last century. Let’s crank it up a notch and say you’ve got to pass a spinning chainsaw! (And you’re on ice skates). Note that letting your chainsaw shut down during the competition renders you subject to disqualification. Using your chainsaw against your opponents is also considered illegal, except on the third Monday of every month.

Snow Cone Speed Eating
How many can you finish in two minutes? Can anyone tolerate this much brain freeze? Which flavors will be the most popular? Which convenience stores will be the biggest sponsors?

Outdoor Hot Tub Relay

Between each hot tub is an obstacle course. In between hot tubs, the fans can throw snowballs at the runners on the course. The course is finished by the final person in the hot tub, known as the “Chugger” who has to slam down thirty chocolate chip cookies and a gallon of milk. Team with the best time is the winner.

Bourbon Shotglass Competition

This is a men’s and a women’s event, with a specified weight limit (there is a flyweight, middleweight and heavyweight class). The entire event occurs at the same time in one big room. Judges watch and determine the winner based on who is still conscious and able to lift a shot glass. Medics with stomach pumps will be standing by.

Tequila Shotglass Competition

No different than the Bourbon competition, but with Tequila instead of whiskey.

22 Responses

  1. You’ve got some GREAT ideas here dood! I especially like the “Downhill Paintball Skiing.” But you didn’t provide enough details! Who’s shooting? Anyone shooting back? I’d like to see the skiers have to get past the paintball firing members of the other contestants’ support teams – while firing back of course! A skiers score would be based on his start-to-finish time, which was no doubt affected by all the hits he took, combined with the carnage he waged against his rivals’ teams. :twisted:

    I’d also like to see a new variation on figure skating. Since the skaters go through such pains to look as sexy as possible, which inevitably leaves grown men like me feeling weird for lusting after teen-aged girls, why not create a new event where the has-been-but-still-hot skaters let it all hang out by putting on a performance that’s actually, and openly, intended to be sexually stimulating! :shock:

    • I figured they’d just shoot at each other all the way down, but I really like the idea of letting the support teams have a shot, and I agree that there would have to be some kind of algorithm to average the time, and the hits taken and given.

      I like your idea for the figure skating. It could be called “Explicit Spinning” or “Exotic Exposition” or “Diamond Grinding.” Maybe I’ll update this later and add that one in if you don’t mind.

      • I love the names you came up with for the new figure skating event! And I’d love to see you flesh this out. I know it’ll be hilarious! :-D

  2. Bring on the naked curling

    • The amazing thing about naked curling is what gets dragged across the ice. There’s just no way I’m doing that without at least a sock over my junk! Man that’s cold.

      • Hmm, and don’t forget the broom, that could hurt your junk :(

  3. sign me up for sno-cone eating.
    Also, may I put the tequila (in the form of margarita) for “flair” points?

    Hand me my gun!

    • We have a contender!

      Sure, you can put your tequila in a margarita, but it might dilute the alcohol, putting you at an advantage. If so, and you win, then there may be a challenge to your supremacy later, (when they sober up and realize they lost).

      Here’s a gun:


  4. I am pretty sure I could qualify for three events .

    Hmm, maybe they should do the Ultimate Fighting Curlers, you know, add some punching and kicking…could catch on!

    • Naked Combat Curling – now that’s not a bad idea. It should be done Greek style though, since it’s naked, so everyone will be covered with olive oil. Naked Oiled Combat Curling. Man, I wouldn’t want to be the janitor in that arena!

  5. I did naked curling once…

    Frost bite. That’s all I’ll say.

    • Youch!
      I hope you at least got to soak your yarbles in some cocoa when you were done.

      • That just doesn’t sound right…

  6. I like the Mortal Combat Skating. Maybe you should send that Viking picture in as an idea for the Olympic Seamstresses. (Don’t try to say that word out loud. Trust me.)

    • Thanks. I tried to find a picture of a viking skating, but there was nothing. Incredible!

  7. Thanks for the comment! I’m also a fan of the Combat Figure Skating. Bring on the vikings. Also Flaming Barrier Luge. I’d be way less lilkely to doze through that.

    • The flaming barrier luge is completely doable, and should most definitely be added to the Olympics!

  8. LOL
    Hey Dood. Your post about noodles arrived but just won’t appear here in your site. Weird.

    • I deleted it.
      It depressed me for some reason.
      Plus, I didn’t want the Top Ramen people to sue me. :(

  9. Combat Skating would really beef up the events. It calls into question, an entirely new portfolio of appropriate skating tunes.

    Queens ‘Killer Queen’ would be a nice choice for a dainty female ice warrior.

    Lady Gaga’s ‘Paparazzi’ would provide interest and be good in a ‘teams’ effort, where the opponents dressed as photographers. And the celebrati got to kill them with battleaxes, while the other guys are only equipped with the blinding powers of their flashbulbs.

    • I like where you’re going with this. The Alternative Olympic committee should hire you.

  10. […] [Photo by] […]

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