Some of the following events are sure to be added in the near future.
Downhill Paintball Skiing
Seeing who can go downhill the fastest? Big deal. Seeing who can go downhill the fastest and get the most shots? Now we’re talking! Line them up and let them ski. Time and hits are both a factor in this splatter spree from the top to the bottom.
So you ran a race. How do we know you really tried out there? Sure, you ran from one end of the field to the other, and you SAY that you did it as fast as you could, but we don’t really know if that was your BEST effort. How can we know for sure? Well, now we can, because nothing says “true speed” like having an angry grizzly bear chasing you. In this event, you’ll be required to shock a grizzly bear five times with a cattle prod before the cage automatically opens. You’ll get a four second headstart. You’ll also be given one steak as a distraction. If the grizzly gets too close, just drop the steak and keep running. Be warned, though, it’s only a small t-bone, and may just wet his appetite for more.
Being able to ski and fire a rifle may be impressive to some people, but a lot of us just say, “so what, let’s see you do that wasted!” In the Vodka Biathlon, you’ve got to slam back two vodka martinis (shaken, not stirred) right before you fire. This ought to separate the warriors from the athletes! Additionally, you must mix the drink yourself, and you have to carry the fixins with you. If you lose your martini glass or your mixer, you are automatically disqualified. If you lose your olives, on the other hand, you are only penalized.
Everyone seems to be doing it these days, so it might as well be an event. Each contestant will be presented with a randomly selected news event created by writers who have been sequestered for the last three months and fed exclusively on sardines and crackers. The judges will be randomly selected from WordPress bloggers.
This is real. People actually DO this. Why shouldn’t it be a sport? I’ll tell you why – it has some ugly old dudes in it. I think appearances should be a part of the score, which will guarantee that we don’t have to watch grandpa’s ass out on the ice. This could be a very popular sport, if promoted successfully. McDonalds, for example, can give away glasses with pictures of the best naked curlers on them. I think a lot of people will want them (as collectables they can put on display at home). The curlers should also adopt stage names. Men would select names like Shag, Star and Mr. Bigg. Women would pick names like Tush, Star and Mrs. Lipps.
Combat Figuring Skating
Figure skating has really turned weird lately. Look at all the strange outfits. Why don’t we bring figure skating back to its roots – mortal combat. Yes, back in the old days when the Vikings used to battle each other with battle axes while skating over the frozen rivers, there were no sequins or g-strings or flowing pink scarves, there was only blood, and fury and the glory of combat. That’s what figure skating needs to return to. Unfortunately, the League of Olympic Decision Making Dudes frowns on blood sport, therefore we’ll have to alter the rules to make it less violent without reducing the manliness of it. Maybe they should whip each other in the butt with wet gym towels?
Flaming Barrier Luge
What’s better than a downhill luge race? How about having to pass through a small opening in a flaming barricade? Sure, you’ll bust through if you miss (we’ll add steel ramming bumpers and a shield to ensure they make it okay). But you’ll lose points if you don’t get through the hole.
Cross Country Logging
Five trees need to be cut down. They’re out there in the snowy forest. You’ve got an axe, cross-country skies, and a GPS. Tree locations were selected randomly. The first person back is the winner. GO!
Women’s Chainsaw Relay
Passing a peg of wood is so last century. Let’s crank it up a notch and say you’ve got to pass a spinning chainsaw! (And you’re on ice skates). Note that letting your chainsaw shut down during the competition renders you subject to disqualification. Using your chainsaw against your opponents is also considered illegal, except on the third Monday of every month.
Snow Cone Speed Eating
How many can you finish in two minutes? Can anyone tolerate this much brain freeze? Which flavors will be the most popular? Which convenience stores will be the biggest sponsors?
Outdoor Hot Tub Relay
Between each hot tub is an obstacle course. In between hot tubs, the fans can throw snowballs at the runners on the course. The course is finished by the final person in the hot tub, known as the “Chugger” who has to slam down thirty chocolate chip cookies and a gallon of milk. Team with the best time is the winner.
Bourbon Shotglass Competition
This is a men’s and a women’s event, with a specified weight limit (there is a flyweight, middleweight and heavyweight class). The entire event occurs at the same time in one big room. Judges watch and determine the winner based on who is still conscious and able to lift a shot glass. Medics with stomach pumps will be standing by.
Tequila Shotglass Competition
No different than the Bourbon competition, but with Tequila instead of whiskey.