A Presidential Questionnaire

Could you qualify to be president? Answer the following questions and find out! Just print this list, answer the questions, and send the results to the Department of Homeland Security.

1. Who is best qualified to solve the country’s financial problems?
   • You.
   • Aliens.
   • Wall Street.
   • A non-partisan team of financial advisers.
   • Donald Trump.
2. How much money do you have?
3. Liberal and Independent candidates answer the following. (Conservatives may skip).
   • Can you get more money?
   • Do you have any rich friends?
   • Anyone richer than them?
4. Conservative candidates identify assets you can you liquidate.
   • Yacht (list quantity)
   • Skyscraper (list quantity)
   • Casino (list quantity)
   • Bank (list quantity)
   • Did you think this question meant putting your enemies in a blender?
5. Do you enjoy losing arguments with ignorant people?
6. Do you believe it’s possible to win arguments with ignorant people?
7. Are the majority of Americans ignorant?
8. Who elects the president – the majority of Americans, or the minority of Americans?
9. The term “Socialized Medicine” means what?
   • Talking with people who are sick.
   • Giving people free health care.
   • Using taxes to pay for health care.
   • Free abortions for everyone.
   • Curing social diseases.
   • Artificially intelligent talking medicine bottles.
10. If running for the office of President, how fast can you run?
    • Naked?
    • With a mob after you?
11. Cite ten uses for a broken bottle.
12. Can you smile at will?
    • Does it hurt?
13. Have you ever played pocket-pool?
    • Was it in your own pocket?
14. Is greed good? (conservatives need not answer).
15. Have you ever slept with someone for money?
    • If yes, how much were you paid?
    • If no, how much did you pay?
    • Did you use it as a tax deduction?
16. Have you ever hidden large sums of money?
    • If yes, was it your money?
    • Was it in your pants?
17. Conservatives, have you ever let a dog hump your leg?
18. Liberals, have you ever humped a dog?
19. Independents, was it your dog?
20. If you had to fire an employee, how would you do it?
    • Send them an email.
    • Lock them out of the office and call security.
    • Hire a cleaner to retire them.
    • Slip into their bedroom and leave a note tied to a horse’s head.
    • Have their car towed to a wrecking yard with them in the trunk.
    • All of the above.
21. Would you take a kick to the groin for America?
    • Would you enjoy it?
22. If you could rename the oval office, what would you name it?
23. Have you ever beaten a rat to death with a saxophone?
    • In front of a member of congress?
    • Were they impressed with your technique?
    • Did they help?
24. What would you do to reduce prison overpopulation?
    • Let all the pot-heads free.
    • Kill everyone who isn’t Caucasian.
    • Build more prisons.
    • Make theft legal.
    • Quit feeding them.
    • Institute a program similar to “The Running Man.”
25. Have you ever successfully herded a cat?
26. If you had to shave off an eyebrow, would it be the left or right?
27. If you had to go bare floor for America, what tool would you use?
    • A straight razor.
    • A dull bayonet.
    • A lighter.
    • An electric razor.
    • A chainsaw.
    • Have your VP rip it out by the roots.
28. Have you ever run the FBI, CIA, or Homeland Security?
    • Are you related to someone that has?
    • Was it your father?
29. Circle the items paid for by taxation.
    • Your salary
    • Road construction
    • Power plants
    • Law Enforcement
    • Health Care
    • Space Exploration
    • Bombs and Firearms
    • Prostitutes
    • Your yacht
30. If the US military could use lightsabers, would you pay George Lucas for the right to call them lightsabers, or would you make up another name for them?
31. Outsourcing means:
    • Sending jobs outside the country.
    • Ordering take-out for dinner.
    • Increasing your company’s profits.
    • Investing in space exploration.
    • Hiring convicts to clean your mansion in return for a pardon.
    • All of the above.
32. If the presidency was determined by a fight between you and another candidate, which weapon would you choose?
    • Automatic rifles
    • Flamethrowers
    • Grenades
    • Bowie knives
    • Containers of acid
    • Sledge hammers
    • Water balloons
    • Feathers
33. Have you ever looked directly at a laser pointer?
    • Twice?
34. Have you ever worn a thong in public?
    • Outside your pants?
35. Do you now or have you ever owned a thermonuclear detonator?
36. Do you wear a calculator watch?
    • Do you know how to use it?
37. Construct a compound sentence using two contractions, an adverb, and a semicolon.
    • To answer the previous question, did you Google contraction, adverb, or semicolon?
38. Have you ever killed a terrorist on an airplane?
    • Do you think you could?
    • Would you like to?
39. If you were going to kill yourself, which method would you choose?
    • Take an overdose of LSD and jump off a tall building wrapped in a flag.
    • Threaten a police officer with a realistic looking toy gun.
    • Drop an iPad into your bathtub.
    • Cover yourself with sausage and jump into the lion cage at the DC zoo.
    • Urinate on the electric fence outside the Pentagon.
    • All of the above.
40. Do you believe changing the value of Pi would help students learn more maths?
41. Did dinosaurs all drown in the flood?
42. Have you ever paid-off a government official?
    • Are you still paying?
43. Have you ever killed a vampire with any of the following:
    • An axe.
    • A gardening tool.
    • Your finger.
    • Someone else’s finger.
    • All of the above.
44. Have you ever purchased medication off the internet?
45. If hosting a dinner for a foreign dignitary, which would you choose:
    • McDonalds Hamburgers and fries.
    • Kahlua roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.
    • Kentucky Fried Chicken with slaw.
    • Deep fried goat penis.
    • One of the dignitaries relatives.
    • A vegetarian salad bar.
    • Fresh dolphin meat.
46. Which of the following would you consider for a position as ambassador?
    • Sarah Palin
    • Paris Hilton
    • Pax Prentiss
    • Donald Trump
    • Oprah Winfrey
    • Your Mother
    • Someone you owe money
    • A death row inmate
47. While at campaign rallies, do you wash your hands after using the bathroom?
48. Who should be allowed to vote in presidential elections?
    • Only educated people.
    • Only wealthy people.
    • All Americans.
    • Barnyard animals.
    • Unicorns and Ponies
    • Only people who will vote for you.
49. What does “global warming” mean to you?
    • A more tan population.
    • Drought and famine.
    • An increase in the extinction of species.
    • Liberal propaganda to jump-start the clean energy movement.
    • A space heater in the shape of a sphere.
    • Better beaches for surfing the internets.
    • A sign of the apocalypse.
50. What should happen to illegal immigrants?
    • We should ask them nicely to voluntarily go home and live in poverty.
    • We should destroy our economy so they don’t want to come here.
    • We should charge them an entrance fee.
    • We should give them a path to citizenship.
    • We should continue to use them for cheap labor.
    • We should put them all in the Army and start another war somewhere.
    • We should aggressively round them up and deport them.
    • We should give them all cake.
51. How will you protect America’s border?
    • It’s fine as it is.
    • Dump money into a ten year study of the problem.
    • Hire more border guards and give them better weapons.
    • Hire illegal immigrants to operate as border guards.
    • Construct a fifty foot wall between the US and Canada.
    • Deploy automated turrets between the US and Mexico.
    • Take over the world.
    • Cover the entire country in a holographic laser dome.
    • Build giant robots to stomp anyone coming across.

After you have answered all questions and mailed your answers, you will be contacted by a political representative, a police officer, a therapist, or some combination of these three. If you are not contacted, it means you don’t have enough money to run for office, in which case your name will be given to job recruiters who speak English poorly and will contact you with potential jobs at fast food establishments in your area.