Bringing Mass to the Massless

As I’m sure you’re aware, there’s been a lot of talk lately concerning the evidence for the Higgs Boson. Sure, there are plenty of other bosons out there who should also get some press, but the Higgs Boson is the most important because it brings mass to the massless particles that would otherwise have no attraction for anyone. Can the Fred, John, Jill, or Cindy Boson’s say the same? Not even close.

The thing about mass is, once you have it, it’s hard to get rid of. Millions of people world-wide have been trying to get rid of mass, and this has driven physicists on a seek and destroy mission to find and eliminate this obnoxious boson. If we can create a pill to eliminate Higgs, imagine the mass we could lose overnight! Shake your sensa at that, party-goers. All we need to do is terminate this Higgs bastard, and there will be no more worrying about those late-night carbo attacks.

In addition to physicists, the NSA and the FBI have also been searching for Higgs. Reports have surfaced that this boson has been seen in a variety of places – mostly drinking establishments, rock concerts, a biker convention, nudist colonies, fast food establishments, and Hemp Fest. Higgs is widely traveled and keeps from capture by constantly moving. He and his cat, Beuford Boson, have finally been spotted by scientists at Cern – a research facility that beats the shit out of other particles until they’re willing to talk. At long last, some of these particles have cracked, and the scientists have used computer technology to render this image of Higgs and his cat, Beuford.

Higgs and Beuford Boson – Wanted

Now that we have some evidence on Higgs, it’s only a matter of time. Questions have been asked about what might happen to Beuford if the pill to eliminate Higgs works. PETA assures us that Beuford will be well taken care of and they’ll find a good home for him, maybe at Cern where he can join the other particles in prison. Everyone knows cats help teach prisoners to care for something other than themselves, and cats are great for this because if you aren’t nice to them, they’ll scratch the shit out of you.