NaNoWriMo WIP

The staff here at Sargastic Irrevalence would like to apologize for the lack of activity on this site. The majority of our staff has recently engaged in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). This occurs ever year at this time, and generally requires those who chose to participate to generate 50,000 words of content in a one month period. This is the second year in a row that our staff has elected to participate and we are pleased to announce that the goal was achieved on the 16th of November. However, just because the required word count has been completed doesn’t mean the contest is over. Our intrepid staff has always maintained a personal goal of 100,000 words by the end of the month, and because our staff is wordy and types like a meth-addict, this goal is certainly within reach.

During this time, not a lot of blog posting will occur. To make up for the complete lack of Sargastic drivel usually provided by our staff, we would like to offer you the following advice. First, do not under any circumstances watch “The Tree of Life” by Brad Pitt without first establishing a suitable level of inebriation. It is without a doubt one of the worst movies ever made, and may be on par with Battlefield Earth for the worst move ever. Second, don’t go commando while wearing a kilt, especially during a job interview.

And now I offer you a story about what life would be like for the Norse Gods if their genders were suddenly swapped and they were given new jobs different from what the previously had. This was a question posed on the Fantasy forums at NaNo, and I felt compelled to answer for some reason. I focused on two: Thorette and Hemi.

Thorette

The God of Thunder, once called Thor and now called Thorette, used to take care of all the lightning with his massive hammer mjolnir. After the ‘transition’ his hammer was taken from him and he was given a corset of silence and given the job of establishing peace over the land by showing up at gatherings and telling pithy stories. Now Thorette didn’t much care for this transition, as she had lived her previous life reveling in battle and glory. Because of this, her stories weren’t usually peaceful and had very bad endings. Those gatherings where she appeared to tell her tales were frequently depressing, and she became known to the people as the Goddess of Depression.

It was some years after the transition of duties that Thorette encountered Mongo. Mongo was a warrior with an incredibly upbeat personality. Nothing bothered Mongo. He always saw the best in everything, and was quite manic in every way. Thorette met Mongo at a dinner party in a great hall belonging to King Glurdang Johaanisson who had invited Mongo from his home in Blenderheim where the drinks are always frosty and well mixed. Seeing that Thorette had arrived to drop a wet steaming blanket on his party, King Glurdang challenged Thorette to tell a story so depressing that it would make even Mongo weep. Thus began the great depression.

Hemi

Heimdallr used to possess the resounding horn Gjallarhorn and own the golden-maned horse Gulltoppr. He guarded the burning rainbow Bifrost bridge, keeping watch for Ragnarök, drinking mead, and generally just sitting around most of the time. After the transition, Heimdallr became known as “Hemi” and his horn and horse were taken away.

Hemi was given the task of being the Goddess of Food Preperation (typically referred to as the Kitchen Goddess). And Fridlydipp, the previous Goddess of the Kitchen was transformed into Fradaho, God of the Bifrost. This change of duties was difficult for both of them. For one thing, Hemi didn’t know jack squat about how to cook. And for another, Fradaho didn’t know anything about kicking ass or watching for Ragnarök. They both had a massive learning curve to address.

Chefs and Cooks throughout the lands soon learned that praying to Hemi for assistance in the kitchen was a bad idea. When Hemi did respond to a supplication to do something, like make a pot boil faster or make the feathers of a chicken come out easier, what they typically got was mead. This appeared to be the best Hemi could do. It was the only thing she knew how to make. Thus began the great mead fest, better known as “The Kitchen Drunk” Hemi became known as the “Goddess of Mead” also referred to as “The Hangover Goddess.” For the first ten years after the transition, food in the dining halls was BAD. Drunk Chefs produced mead flavored pies, mead flavored roasts, mead flavored everything. Everyone got so sick of mead, no one would drink it anymore except the cooks who had no choice since they had to taste their food.

Then, one day Odette (Previously Odin) decided he’d had enough of this shit, and summoned the greatest chefs in the land to teach Hemi how to cook. To find the best chefs, a competition was initiated called “Iron Chef.” From all over the land, the best chefs were summoned to compete. The winner would be gifted with the magic golden spatula of non-sticking and an all-expenses paid trip to beautiful uptown Asgard where they would be bathed in honey and given the duty of teaching Hemi the techniques she required.