More Bonuses!

Everyone needs more bonuses. I don’t know about you, but I could use a bonus right now. As we age, there are certain inherit bonuses we receive. I’m sure this varies by country, but in the US it goes something like this:

• You turn 16
  You can drive a car.
• You turn 18
  You can vote.
• You turn 21
  You can drink.
• You turn 26
  Your car insurance rate drops
• You turn 65
  You get the “senior discount.”

That’s pretty much it. As you can see, there’s a large gap between turning 26 and 65, during which time there are NO bonii (that’s plural for bonus in dood language). There’s something very wrong here. We need some additional bonuses. I’d like to propose a few.

• You turn 30
  You can go to the “30 and over clubs” (Someone must start these).
• You turn 40
  Liquor is now half-off (the mid-life discount)
• You turn 47
  Hair transplants and sports cars are now discounted.
• You turn 55
  You can now drive in the HOV lanes and the speed limit increases. (The Sammy Hagar bonus).
• You turn 60
  Plastic surgery is now 20% off. (The Joan Rivers bonus).
• You turn 62
  College classes are now half-off (The Too Old to Hire bonus). 
• You turn 68
  Supplements and pharmaceuticals are discounted. (The Timothy Leary bonus).
• You turn 72
  You are now eligible to attend “technology” classes explaining how to use the newest smartphones, tablets, mental implants – whatever they have going, because by now you don’t understand any of it.

In addition to these, there should be some stipulations and additions as follows:

• If you have children, the mid-life liqueur discount occurs at 35.
• If you remain married 20 years or more, liqueur is free.
• If you opt for a toupee or baldness at 47, then you can apply your hair transplant discount to your sports car.
• If you haven’t retired by 70, then you get free public transportation to and from work (unless you’re a bus driver).

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