How to Appear Intelligent

Everyone wants to “seem” intelligent even if they’re an idiot, and there are lots of different ways that idiots can accomplish this feat. It just takes a little practice. And who doesn’t want to improve their intelligence? Let’s look at some of the top ways that anyone can become smarter (or at least “seem” smarter). Some of these don’t even require any effort!

• Be Less Stupid
  Yes, as everyone knows, being stupid is the biggest barrier to being smart. By simply doing fewer stupid things, you can (by proxy) be more intelligent. This may require more effort for some people than others. Results may vary. The first step in being less stupid is to ask yourself the question “is this stupid?” before doing or saying something. This may provide you with valuable insight. The second step in being less stupid is to avoid doing those things that you have previously identified as being stupid.
• Pay Attention to Reality
  Paying attention is almost like being smart. In fact, they’re so similar that you can be a moron and still “seem” intelligent! And the inverse is true as well. You can be an inattentive genius and “seem” to be an absolute moron! Fascinating… And even more fascinating is how it applies to gender. Men, for example, appear intelligent to their wives when they actually remember what it is that their wives were saying. Wives, on the other hand, appear more intelligent to their husbands when they don’t have to ask questions about common technology and/or power tools after these things have been explained twice already. Now, to be truthful, trying to make your spouse “think” you’re intelligent may be a pointless exercise, but it does serve as a useful example.
• Memorize Useless Details
  Filling your head with useless facts and trivia might “seem” like a waste of time until someone asks you a question for which you actually have an answer. Particularly if it’s an unusual question like “what is another word for a dry creek bed” or “who is the Prime Minister of Canada” or “how fast does water run out of the faucet.” So where can you pick up a bunch of useless crap to memorize? I recommend crossword puzzles and trivia games. Also, reading Wikipedia occasionally and browsing IMDB helps. But, sans this (and all the effort involved with memorization) you can just carry a smartphone and sneak off to the bathroom for a moment to consult Google.
• Use Strange Words
  Sure, normal words are fine, but they don’t make you “seem” intelligent. Spending some time memorizing a few choice terms and sprinkling them into your daily verbiage implies a depth of thought unseen throughout the general population. Try memorizing one every day. After thirty days you’ll have learned thirty new words! Every day, use one of them to speak with someone. Try to use it correctly. Some words you might start with are Quagmire, Catastrophic, Thermophile, Agoraphobic, Paradox, Preamble, Serendipity, and Fudderwack. Try combining them now to make a sentence!
• Learn a Useless Skill
  There are lots of useful skills, but the ones that impress people the most are the ones that have almost no purpose whatsoever. You can find a lot of these skills at your local community college. For example: inorganic chemistry, calculus, linguistics, biochemistry, metallurgy, bio-scientific terminology, astronomy, and nanotech engineering. What’s that? You think these skills are useful? HA! I laugh at you. They’re only useful if you use them, and trust me, you will NEVER use them. The only thing they’re good for is making you “seem” intelligent. For example, after taking chemical nomenclature, you should be able to read the chemicals on the back of a paint can very rapidly instead of trying to sound them out. People who hear you will think you’re smart!
• Dress Like You’re Smart
  The best way to dress like you’re smart is to observe smart people to see what they’re wearing. Now, to be quite honest, these people won’t be scientists. While most people “think” scientists are smart, they actually think successful people are smarter. That’s right. Rich = smart. So instead of finding actual “intelligent” people to model your wardrobe after, look for someone who is very rich instead. Of course, this may make the clothing they’re wearing more difficult to acquire. For that, I suggest haunting the Good Will and Ross Dress for Less. Just let them know what exactly you’re looking for. They’ll give you a call the next time a wealthy individual dumps their outfits from last season. If this fails, then make a midnight raid on your target’s dumpster.
• Start a Library
  No, not a REAL library, I’m referring to a library in your house. However, it must be in a location that people will actually see. Stock your library with books that make you “seem” intelligent. If you don’t know what these books are, you should go to your local library and make a list. Just ask the librarian to point you to the “smart people” books, and she’ll take your hand and lead you right to them. She might even give you candy! Some possible books could be: Nuclear Power Plant Construction, Surgical Techniques for Transgender Modification, The Rise and Fall of Rome, Second Dynasty Chinese Linguistics, Advanced Robotics Design, Hyperthreading Principles, and Autospermatic Concepts in NeoEugenic Programming. Lead people you want to “think” you are smart into your library and make an excuse to leave them alone for a time. If they ask you about any of the books, just wave it off and say, “It was a fairly good copy, but missing in some areas. I’d rather not discuss it. There are ramifications, you know. Ahem!” Then switch the topic rapidly back to an area where you’re comfortable, like sports, vehicles, or farts. Just remember to use long words, like flatulence and olfactory sensitivity. Oh, and I should note, avoid the “For Dummies” books. You don’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.
• Play a “Smart” Game
  So what’s a “smart” game? It’s a game that people associate with intelligence. Take, for example, a Rubix’s Cube. You think people who can solve this thing did it on their own? Hell No! They studied a book and learned to look for patterns. You can do that too! And then everything will “think” you’re a braniac. Chess is another one. People associate chess players with intelligence. But if you study chess and learn what to look for, you can beat most of your friends just by identifying patterns. No intelligence required (except for memorizing the patterns). Now I should note, not just any game will work. It has to be a game that involves patterns. My advice, stick with chess and the cube. Anything else would just confuse you.

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