Recent Search Results

You know it comes around. Every once in a while I’ve got to post what people were searching for when they found my blog. It’s like social commentary, but in just a few words. Search results are much like fertilizer, they’re powerful, they make things grow, and they can be really really stinky. The question that always comes into my mind is what were people expecting when they searched for these terms. I hope they found what they wanted, but frankly, it’s unlikely. Sometimes you get what you need though.

Let’s analyze that!

Yesterdays Searches:

• girl scout beer
  That’s going to look really bad on a can. I can see it now, you go to a biker convention and open up the fridge, and there inside is a case of girl scout beer. “My daughter sells ‘em” says Spike. “We’re not doing the cookies anymore.” Actually, this might be marketing genius, but I think it’s fraught with legal landmines that are going to blow someone’s leg off.
• elephants fucking
  What can I say? People are always searching for this. I had no idea people were so interesting in elephant sex. Everyone wants to watch elephants fuck. The Zoo should charge extra on those days. I’m sorry I have no pictures of that. I’m sure you can find them on Bing though.
• “butt muffler”
  I’m not ready to hit the market with this yet. But don’t worry, as soon as the product liability is worked out, and the Chinese workers I’m hiring all sign their contracts, then I’ll be sure to have an infomercial showing exactly how it works.
• awesome chainsaw
  Because guns are too expensive and require a background check, but a chainsaw… not only is it legal, but it will scare the shit out of any burglar that breaks into your house. That’s why I keep one right next to my bed at night along with an extra can of gas.
• i’m shitting
  This must have been someone on a cell phone. Were they bored, or just looking for instructions? Must investigate. Could be a lot of people are confused on this issue and need advice. Note to self – write article.
• elephant poop
  Great for your garden, but expensive. You have to get it from the zoo.
• is rock star more addicting than coffee
  Is crystal meth more addicting than heroin? Hell, I don’t know. I doubt you found your answers here. I’ve had rock star, and I’ve had coffee, but I’ve never mixed them together. Maybe that’s what you should do. For more fun, add some wood grizzle.
• jar full of dog poo
  Yeah, my basement is full of these. Just like Howard Hughes, I’m worried that the government will get their hands on my shit and figure out what I’ve been eating. But, in my case, I’m more worried about my dog, so I’ve been collecting her shit in jars, just to be sure. When she becomes a famous acting dog, I’m going to auction them off on ebay.
• boy scout hot air balloon
  Don’t do it. If you need perspective, then consider what it would be like to make a parachute out of napkins and then go jump out of an airplane. The only things that boy scouts build that are useful are bird houses and catapults.

Some of My Favs

• pink chainsaw
  Why pink? Is there an untapped market here? I assume this is a lady’s chainsaw. Would a rustic country chainsaw have fringe on it? Do the weirdos from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre have a room in their house with different types of chainsaws?
• marijuana mushroom cloud
  Because when you exhale and you’re stoned, this is what you really want to see, right? BOOM!
• penguin wheelchair
  This kind of makes sense. They don’t move very fast do they?
• sodium alginate
  Oh, I really think you didn’t find what you were looking for here. Sorry, I took several years of college chemistry and haven’t used any of it for over a decade. I think this stuff gets used to make diapers and pills.
• viking warrior drawing
  Vikings rock! I’m glad I have at least one viking on my site somewhere. Of course, they also murdered people and took their stuff and raped the women. Vikings were assholes. But, they lived a long time ago, so I guess we can forgive them and use their pictures for sports teams and advertisements. Besides, they’re not around to bitch about it like the Native Americans. You don’t see Vikings showing up to protest the misuse of their image. It would be kind of funny if they did though.
• mobile homes renovations
  Seems like a contradiction in terms, but okay. You won’t find instructions here for adding that skylight, but if you do it using a pink chainsaw, I’ll give you bonus points. Have a jar of wood grizzle.
• wood grizzle
  I have no idea what this is. Some possible uses may include: My boat has a hole, so I patched it with wood grizzle. Keep your wood grizzle in your pants. Who plastered the walls with wood grizzle? Smell this wood grizzle, I think it’s old. I slipped on some wood grizzle and broke my leg. Would you like some extra wood grizzle with that?